THIS IS THE WAY I FOUND JESUS!!

It all began when I was a little girl. I had suffered physical
abuse from my Mom, and I had a family that didn't care
about me at all.  I was about 6 when my parents got divorced
but that didn't seem to affect me much.  I wanted it, believe
it or not.  All they did was fight all the time.  My Mom took
me to live with her. I didn't want to considering all she did
was be mean to me and beat me when she found it convenient. 
But I had to go with her because my dad was always out
drinking and not a good role model. One day my Mom beat 
me enough that the Child Services Division was called.  It all 
seems a blur to me what happened, except the next thing I
know, I am living with my dad and he is sending me to live
with my aunt in Kansas because he can't handle me.

Everything was going good for me in Kansas. I was going to
school, and church.  Then I find out that my Mom is getting
remarried and she isn't waiting till I get home or sending for
me to be there and I am kind of hurt by this .... but I am still
a little girl and I don't know just quite how to feel about all
of that.  Then, after I had been in Kansas for a year, my dad
calls and wants me back home in Oregon. He has a woman in
his life and wants me home to be involved in the family.  Part
of me is excited about the  move, and the other part of me
wants to stay in Kansas, but I go on home to be with my dad. 
When I get there the whole part about going to church and
all is out the window .....This is when things began to start
going down hill in my life. My dad's girlfriend was mean to
me.  She made me stay in my room all the time. She had a
daughter, who was the same age as me.  She would pick 
fights with me and I would be grounded to my room until 
my dad got home from work. Then she would lie and say I
wasn't in my room all day and my dad always believed her ... 
she totally destroyed my relationship with my dad. So
eventually,   my dad decided I should live with my other 
aunt so he could continue to party.  I moved in and out of 
my aunt's house twice.  When my dad would decide he was
done partying, he would want me back home.  Then when he
wanted to quit being the daddy, he would ship me back to 
my aunt's house.  During this time, he called me nasty names
all the time and told me I wasn't going to ever amount to
anything.  I even remember him saying I wish you were 
never born.  He did apologize for that one ... but at the 
time, I was devastated.   

When I was about 14 yrs old and living with my dad was 
when it got really bad.  He would have parties on the
weekends with alcohol and drugs and violence going on all
weekend.  I remember strange people coming in my room
saying oh you poor thing, I will be your Mom and I was soo
excited but they never followed through with their promises.
Luckily, I was never sexually assaulted.  I was almost raped 
a few times, but God was watching over me, I just didn't
know it at the time.  This was when I met a man and turned 
to him for love.  I thought he was my whole world.  I forced
my dad to let him move in with us by telling him that if he
didn't, I would turn him in for having parties on the
weekends.  I thought by having this man, I could get the 
love and respect I needed.  But, of course I got my heart
ripped out of my chest as always!!  He left me and my whole
world fell around me. I didn't know that all I needed was
Jesus.  I didn't really even know about him at all... but let's 
back up a little.  During this time, my Mom abandoned me 
and we didn't speak any more.  The last time I had seen her,
she accused me of stealing and smoking at the mall.  When 
I denied it, she slapped me across the face three times
knocking my glasses off my face and across the porch.  She
then started to confront my dad's girlfriend's daughter. 
My dad stood up and said "you will not hit her at all" ... 
I felt so betrayed and hated and alone.  My own dad 
would stick up for her but he couldn't even stick up for 
his own flesh and blood.  I just wanted to die .... my Mom 
and I didn't speak for 7 years at all, my dad continued to
party, and I continued to look at men for love.  I quit 
school, got different jobs and tried to be an adult before 
I was even 20 years old.  I was hurt by every man I ever
came in contact with and even friends were not friends
anymore.  Everyone dumped on me and I don't say that 
lightly either. ...I got into drugs ( just marijuana) and
drinking for the acceptance and to feel wanted.  I met a 
man and after 4 years we got married.  He cheated on me 
before we got married, but I married him thinking that it
would all change once we were married.  I was soo wrong.
Things got so much worse and I hated myself so much.  I
hated everyone around me.  I wanted people to suffer the
way I had.  One night I decided to call my biological Mom 
for the first time in 7 years and when I did, I felt a lump
well up in my throat and I started to cry.  I just said, 
"Mom, I need you and I can't do this no more."  She said,
"I'll be right over."  When she got there, I remember
wanting to just run to her and hug her, but instead, this
woman was a total stranger to me.  We sat down and 
started to confront issues that happened and she denied 
all of them, but I chose to let it go.  Things seem to be
getting better.  Her husband had three kids of his own, a
daughter the same age as me and I remember sitting there
watching my Mom hugging and loving his daughter, and being
so proud of her, and there I sat, feeling like a total stranger
not knowing how I would handle all of this.  A lot of different
events happened.  My Mom made me ask her family if it was
OK for me to come back in the family before I could get
back in with that family...I was soo scared and yet confused
and angry, but I needed her.  I needed someone......so I did
that and all of them accepted me back .... a lot of things
occurred during this frame of time.  I was still continuously
getting stepped on and shoved aside by both families, my
mom's and with my dad's new woman.  That hurt me soo bad.
I couldn't take the pain any more, so I pulled away and said 
"no more" and I stopped talking to my Mom again.  I was
having major problems in my marriage.  All my husband would
do is drink all the time and it was like flash backs.  It was
way to much for me to handle.  He never beat me but he got
mean at times, so I told my husband I was not happy.  He
wouldn't change so I called a separation....then we decided 
to call it quits and we filed for divorce.  This is where my
life took a dramatic change.  I met a man I like to call my
knight in shining armor.  He was like no one I had ever met
before in my life. I met him on the computer and he was
living in Texas at the time and he sold his computer and 
moved here to Oregon to be with me.  When he got here it
seemed like all a dream to me.  He was way to awesome to 
be real, but we had to move in with my dad.  After the
divorce, I was so strapped for money so my dad decided to
help us out for a while. He was still with that woman that 
hurt me all my childhood, so while we were living there she
tried her best to absolutely destroy me.  Finally, my
boyfriend told my dad what she was doing, locking me out 
of the house,   talking dirty gossip about me, colder than 
an ice cube to me....and telling my dad that I was trying to
run the house which was not true at all.  I would even ask
before using the washer and dryer and ask to get something
to eat before I did.  Her daughter would come over with 
her kids and get into anything they wanted.  I was even
paying rent  to live in my dad's motor home and my dad's
girlfriend would shine me off and be so rude to me.  I
couldn't take it any more.  So after my boyfriend told my
dad what she was doing, my dad finally kicked her out.  
After 12 years of this, she admitted to treating me mean 
on purpose and then she kind  of admitted to slicing my 
dad's tires and spray painting the house with dirty words 
and many more vindictive things she had done....too many to
list.  That is when my dad went back to heavily partying 
even worse than before.  This time I watched him go down 
the tube.  Mean while, this wonderful relationship I had was
not going so well.  I was so traumatized by all these events
that happened, I wouldn't know love if it was right in front
of me.  And that is exactly what happened.  I started being
mean and hateful to my boyfriend and it got so bad, I was
looking for ways to end my life.  My boyfriend came from a
very loving background so he didn't know what to say.  He
was absolutely devastated.  I got so depressed I wouldn't 
get out of bed and I hated EVERYONE!!! The final draw
point was when I actually attacked my boyfriend hitting 
him in the head with my fists.  I decided I needed help,  so 
I called around for help and no one would help me because
I didn't have enough money.  Then one day I found a woman
out of a church that was a licensed counselor and she worked
with me right at the amount I could afford.  After seeing her
only a couple of times, she told me to bring my boyfriend in
for a session.  That all went OK.  I told her I didn't want to
talk about God and she told me it was OK, she wouldn't 
force me.  I said,  "If God was such a wonderful God then
why would he put a person through all of this"???? She said
we don't have to talk about him if you don't want to, so I 
said fine.  That week I noticed my dad was changing and 
then Sunday, he got up and went to church.  So I was kind 
of drawn to find out where he was receiving his joy and
happiness.  I asked him and he said, "I am a Christian and 
I am going to church now.  I said "what! " and he asked, 
"Please, if I get a minister over here will you just talk to
him?"  I said, "Sure, whatever."  So that night a minister
came over and all I remember is saying to him, "First of all 
I don't even know you."  But there was a softness about him
that I had never seen before, so I listened to him.  By the
time the night was out I had accepted Jesus in my heart..... 
thank you Jesus !!

That was just the beginning.  I had a long ways to go.  I
started attending church.  My boyfriend wouldn't go with 
me but I went anyway.  There was a peace there I had never
in all my life experienced.  I began to change and soften.  
My boyfriend didn't know what was happening to me, he just
noticed a change and I was praying for him all the time.  My
dad and I would go but he wouldn't and about after 2 weeks
he finally went and was saved ..... I was able to call and
forgive my Mom and my dad's ex girlfriend!  
AND MY DAD harbored no more anger or resentment at all 
towards them and I have never felt soo free in my whole 
life, EVER!!  God healed me inside.  I am a new person and 
I have never felt soo much love in my life.  My boyfriend 
and I are now married and happy with God being the center
of our lives.  There is nothing in this world that could ever
compare to the love, joy, peace and happiness that someone
can have with having Jesus Christ as your personal savior,
EVER!!!!!  There is nothing worth your salvation ....there is
nothing in this world God can't heal, no matter what the pain
is and I will be forever grateful for the change God has 
made in me and for saving my life!!!   I could be dead right
now if I hadn't have been saved by grace and the faith I 
have in Jesus Christ.  It is not an easy walk, but God is
ALWAYS there to pick me up when I fall .... I could never 
be more thankful ever ..... and someday I will be where 
there is no more pain sorrow or hurt, every need will be 
met and I will have a glorified new body and all the scars 
on my heart will be no more and that place will be heaven!!!
THANK YOU JESUS I AM FOREVER YOURS AND WILL
DEVOTE MY LIFE TO YOU AND YOUR WILL!!!

Tami