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I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever This is the touching story of my beautiful baby girl Hanna and the way that Jesus got me through this horrific event in my life and why after only 6 months I am able to tell my story and I am able to get up everyday and go on without her. I was 18 years old when I got pregnant. I didn't know that there was such peace with Jesus, all I knew was I was terrified. I started feeling sick to my stomach and never felt good either, so I decided to get a pregnancy test done. After the test I found out that I was pregnant. I called the doctor and made an appointment to get an ultra sound done and found out that I was 6 months along and I was having a baby girl. I was so delighted when I found out that I was having a baby, yet scared when the doctor kept checking the baby to see how she was doing and he noticed that something was wrong with her. He told me that I needed to go to different towns and see different specialists and see what was happening with her. I was so scared and didn't know what to do at all. One of the doctors I had seen told me that she had no diaphragm. I didn't know what to do. I felt so alone and scared. I was so happy that my dad was beside me the whole time. I didn't know all I had to do is call out to Jesus, all I knew was that my daughter was not all complete. I had a very bad feeling about all this but still yet remained positive that she would be ok and that I would have a healthy baby. All the while during that time my father was a Christian and I could feel Jesus calling me, but I still didn't surrender to him. As time went on the doctors told me that my baby girl would have to have surgery after she was born and that she would have to be put on an ecmo monitor, ventilator and have chest tubes put in her. That is when my heart felt like it had burst. I didn't know what to do, I just knew that it was bad, very bad!! Still yet I didn't know that peace, joy, comfort, and eternity with Jesus. I just knew that the baby growing inside me that I wanted so much was very sick and that there was nothing I could do ~ nothing at all but sit and wait. I had support from family and I will forever be grateful for that. Without them I would have been lost and never found Jesus .... it was after my nineteenth birthday that I found the savior that would rescue me from all the fear, pain, and hurt I felt inside and as I grew to know Jesus, I knew that no matter what happened ~ he would never leave me or forsake me. That is what I leaned upon until that very day came that I dreaded yet yearned for. Then that day came ~ a day I will never forget and will hold dear to my heart. It was July 15th that I was checked into the hospital. They wanted to induce labor, but didn't end up inducing me till the 16th at 9:00 am. I was in labor for 13 hours and 50 minutes. Beside me was my dad, 3 doctors, 1 intern, 2 nurses, and Jesus! They were all in the delivery room with me. I knew then that it was real bad and that Hanna was in serious trouble. The delivery didn't go well, the doctor had to use two suctions on her to get her out. When she arrived I heard nothing, not even a cry. I didn't even get to see her till the next day. The next day I went to her. I remember going down the hall to see my baby and I had an image in my head that she was going to be ok and that I would get to hold her. When I got there she was not at all what I had imagined. She had all sorts of tubes hooked up to her and a ventilator. I was breath taken. I didn't know what to do ~ I just sat there and looked at my baby girl in awe, yet somewhere inside me I knew that it was not good. I reached out to grasp her hand and as I felt my hand in hers, I know that she knew I was there and she knew I was her mama and that I was right there with her.. but inside I just knew I was going to lose her and that I didn't have much time with her yet I still ignored that and fought to remain as positive as I could that she would be fine and that I would go home with her. Her condition remained the same for two weeks and then she went into surgery to repair her diaphragm and take her off the ecmo monitor. She came out of surgery and all that remained on her was the ventilator. Sometimes she would breathe on her own and other times they would have to turn the ventilator up for her to be able to breathe. After a month and a half of this the doctor came in and told me that she wasn't going to make it. She was creating blood clots and they could not keep IV'S in her. After the doctor left, all I could do was cry. I began to pray like never before to Jesus to either heal her, or take her home fast, but not let her suffer anymore. I was able to only hold her one time during all this and then I had a decision to make and this was the hardest decision I'll ever have to make in my life. I knew that I had to let her go cause it wasn't fair to keep her here suffering like this any more, and since the doctor told me there was no way she would make it even if I left her on the ventilator I was only preventing the inevitable. I knew what I had to do so I prayed about it and made the decision to take her off and let her go be with Jesus. It was so confusing, I'll never forget the confusion. I felt like I was taking her life yet I knew that Jesus was coming for her. I just didn't want to let her go but through the love and strength of Jesus, I knew what had to be done. On September 12th, 2001 at 4:30 pm my baby girl went home to be with Jesus. It was all in a matter of 10 minutes after I took her off the ventilator. She took her last breath in my arms. I just pulled her close to my chest and bowed my head and cried so hard. I just prayed that Jesus was there to take her home, and I knew he was. I knew the second she took her last breath, He was holding her in his big strong majestic arms in the paradise we all want to see someday ~ Heaven ~ and I was able to let go. I know where my little angel is and I know that I will meet her again someday even though I hurt so much. Through Jesus Christ I have been able to go on. There is not a day that goes by I don't hurt and cry for her, but I know that I will grieve for her until I meet her again someday, but until then I know she is with the Almighty God and safe from all harm. And I am going to be there with her when it is my time, but until then Hanna, I will miss you and love you and if anyone out there has gone through the same experience as me ~ Jesus is your strength and peace. Lean on Him and He will carry you always. God Bless You All Rachel NEXT BACK HOME
I started feeling sick to my stomach and never felt good either, so I decided to get a pregnancy test done. After the test I found out that I was pregnant. I called the doctor and made an appointment to get an ultra sound done and found out that I was 6 months along and I was having a baby girl. I was so delighted when I found out that I was having a baby, yet scared when the doctor kept checking the baby to see how she was doing and he noticed that something was wrong with her. He told me that I needed to go to different towns and see different specialists and see what was happening with her. I was so scared and didn't know what to do at all. One of the doctors I had seen told me that she had no diaphragm. I didn't know what to do. I felt so alone and scared. I was so happy that my dad was beside me the whole time. I didn't know all I had to do is call out to Jesus, all I knew was that my daughter was not all complete. I had a very bad feeling about all this but still yet remained positive that she would be ok and that I would have a healthy baby. All the while during that time my father was a Christian and I could feel Jesus calling me, but I still didn't surrender to him.
As time went on the doctors told me that my baby girl would have to have surgery after she was born and that she would have to be put on an ecmo monitor, ventilator and have chest tubes put in her. That is when my heart felt like it had burst. I didn't know what to do, I just knew that it was bad, very bad!!
Still yet I didn't know that peace, joy, comfort, and eternity with Jesus. I just knew that the baby growing inside me that I wanted so much was very sick and that there was nothing I could do ~ nothing at all but sit and wait. I had support from family and I will forever be grateful for that. Without them I would have been lost and never found Jesus .... it was after my nineteenth birthday that I found the savior that would rescue me from all the fear, pain, and hurt I felt inside and as I grew to know Jesus, I knew that no matter what happened ~ he would never leave me or forsake me. That is what I leaned upon until that very day came that I dreaded yet yearned for. Then that day came ~ a day I will never forget and will hold dear to my heart.
It was July 15th that I was checked into the hospital. They wanted to induce labor, but didn't end up inducing me till the 16th at 9:00 am. I was in labor for 13 hours and 50 minutes. Beside me was my dad, 3 doctors, 1 intern, 2 nurses, and Jesus! They were all in the delivery room with me. I knew then that it was real bad and that Hanna was in serious trouble. The delivery didn't go well, the doctor had to use two suctions on her to get her out. When she arrived I heard nothing, not even a cry. I didn't even get to see her till the next day.
The next day I went to her. I remember going down the hall to see my baby and I had an image in my head that she was going to be ok and that I would get to hold her. When I got there she was not at all what I had imagined. She had all sorts of tubes hooked up to her and a ventilator. I was breath taken. I didn't know what to do ~ I just sat there and looked at my baby girl in awe, yet somewhere inside me I knew that it was not good. I reached out to grasp her hand and as I felt my hand in hers, I know that she knew I was there and she knew I was her mama and that I was right there with her.. but inside I just knew I was going to lose her and that I didn't have much time with her yet I still ignored that and fought to remain as positive as I could that she would be fine and that I would go home with her. Her condition remained the same for two weeks and then she went into surgery to repair her diaphragm and take her off the ecmo monitor. She came out of surgery and all that remained on her was the ventilator. Sometimes she would breathe on her own and other times they would have to turn the ventilator up for her to be able to breathe. After a month and a half of this the doctor came in and told me that she wasn't going to make it. She was creating blood clots and they could not keep IV'S in her. After the doctor left, all I could do was cry. I began to pray like never before to Jesus to either heal her, or take her home fast, but not let her suffer anymore. I was able to only hold her one time during all this and then I had a decision to make and this was the hardest decision I'll ever have to make in my life. I knew that I had to let her go cause it wasn't fair to keep her here suffering like this any more, and since the doctor told me there was no way she would make it even if I left her on the ventilator I was only preventing the inevitable. I knew what I had to do so I prayed about it and made the decision to take her off and let her go be with Jesus. It was so confusing, I'll never forget the confusion. I felt like I was taking her life yet I knew that Jesus was coming for her. I just didn't want to let her go but through the love and strength of Jesus, I knew what had to be done. On September 12th, 2001 at 4:30 pm my baby girl went home to be with Jesus. It was all in a matter of 10 minutes after I took her off the ventilator. She took her last breath in my arms. I just pulled her close to my chest and bowed my head and cried so hard. I just prayed that Jesus was there to take her home, and I knew he was. I knew the second she took her last breath, He was holding her in his big strong majestic arms in the paradise we all want to see someday ~ Heaven ~ and I was able to let go. I know where my little angel is and I know that I will meet her again someday even though I hurt so much. Through Jesus Christ I have been able to go on. There is not a day that goes by I don't hurt and cry for her, but I know that I will grieve for her until I meet her again someday, but until then I know she is with the Almighty God and safe from all harm. And I am going to be there with her when it is my time, but until then Hanna, I will miss you and love you and if anyone out there has gone through the same experience as me ~ Jesus is your strength and peace. Lean on Him and He will carry you always.
God Bless You All
Rachel NEXT BACK HOME
